That Dawg be One Black Dog!

In the hopes of diversifying its student population, Boston University recently revealed that its terrier mascot will now bear a predominantly black color scheme, a drastic departure from the current gray and white. After receiving questions on the change, one member of the Board of Trustees said "Before, our gray colors appealed to whites and Jews, and as anyone who's been around BU knows, we have more than enough Jews and white kids. By changing Rhett's main color, we're hoping to appeal to our negro brethren and show them that BU is a great place for African-American students as well." With the expected surge in black students next year, BU has also announced that it will be bringing back its football program and creating a student organization titled "Dawgs for the Advancement of Bling."

Tags: Boston University, dog, dawg, mascot, black, gray, Board of Trustees

CK Ackbar?

There was something about it that just screamed "out-of-place." I was going to dinner, and what do I see? I see right in front of me a Muslim college girl in full head wrap (as is customary), but instead of wearing a normal, boring cloth over her hair, hers was covered in Calvin Klein logos. That can't be right. There has got to be a law somewhere in the Quran that forbids wearing designer-label headwraps. It did give me a thought though. Maybe this is another way that we can Americanize those A-rabs. If we can get them thinking that Islam-related clothing and other objects made by major American labels are cool, then they will surely succumb to capitalism very quickly. Picture it: Muslim women wearing Donna Karan burkas, Muslim men in Ralph Lauren head wraps, and Muslim kids wearing Gap garments and Nike sandals. Who needs weapons to conquer the jihadists when all we need is good old-fashioned American consumerism?

Tags: Muslim, hair, Calvin Klein, Quran, Islam, Donna Karan, Ralph Lauren, Gap, Nike, jihadists, consumerism, college

The Best of Both Religions

Have you ever wanted to insult all religions but Christianity? Well, I have the perfect exclamation for you: "Yahweh ackbar!" It takes the name that Jews dare not speak, Yahweh, and bastardizes it by adding it to the word ackbar, made popular by the Muslim exclamation "Allah ackbar!" Of course, those crazy towel-heads are sure to take offense at this as well. If they're willing to kill over a comic that insults their prophet, then just imagine what they would do if you ruined their favorite phrase that they use to exalt God. Naturally, any religion that isn't Christianity, Judaism, or Islam won't like this phrase either because it doesn't support their religion. In the end, the only ones that won't care are the Christians because they are too busy bombing Iraq and watching The OC.

Tags: Christianity, Yahweh, ackbar, Jews, Muslim, Allah, The OC

What'd you call me?

Am I the only person who finds it funny when one college girl calls another college girl a "cock-sucker" repeatedly in public in a jovial way? Personally, I find it hilarious and somehow ironic. I'm just standing there, and two girls walk by joking with each other and obviously having a good time, but all the while they're calling each other cock-suckers. I guess we know what these girls do for fun.

Tags: college, girl

The Hess Truck's Back!

For the next phase of my plan for American conquest of the Middle East, I have devised a product that will even appeal to the most stingy of Jews in Israel. Every good American knows and loves the Hess truck and its Christmas-time commercials. The product itself is great, and its jingle is priceless, but the problem is that the Jews just won't buy it. No, we have to give them something that every little Jew boy will want for Hanukah. I give you: the Hess Torah. It would make Hess millions for sure. Of course, in the typical Hess truck fashion, it will come with lights all over it. When lit, they make the star of David. I can see the commercial so clearly: "The Hess Torah's back and it's better than ever! For Hanukah, this year, the Hess Torah's here!" Naturally, we'd have a dozen young pre-bar mitzvah Jewish boys wearing their yarmulke's singing the jingle while they wave around their new favorite gift, the Hess Torah.

Tags: Hess, truck, Hess truck, Middle East, Jews, Israel, Christmas, jingle, Hanukah, Hess Torah, Torah, boys

Ji Ji Ji Jihad!

I have a dream, a dream in which America takes over the Middle East, but not with force. No, instead we'll utilize out greatest asset - sales marketing. Of course, there are many components in my plan, many of which I'll detail in later posts, but to begin with, we need to get the Muslims hooked on capitalism. The problem is that you can't do that with just any American product. No, no - you must give them a product they can't refuse (no, I don't think iPod will do the trick, although I would love to see Muslims crowding the streets of Baghdad listening to their iJihad - start taking notes here, Apple).

My idea is to sell them none other than... the Chia Pet! We can't give them just any Chia Pet, though - we have to give them one that will inspire them to buy it no matter how much they hate America. I propose: the Jihad Pet. I can picture it now. Instead of little dogs that have hair (grass) grow on their back, it will be Osama Bin Laden's head, and his beard will grow. I already have a clear vision of the commercial that will air on Al-Jazeera: "Ji Ji Ji Jihad! Just soak Osama's head in water and watch as his beard grows! Makes a great gift! Available wherever fine jihadist products are sold." Then, for subsequent commercials after that product takes off, we'll add to the commercial: "Now grow a whole collection of terrorists with jihad turbans, rifles, mosques, and camels." This product would sell millions, and it would be a big step towards Americanizing the Middle East. Ji Ji Ji Jihad!

If that's not enough Jihad Pet goodness for you, here are some more possible lines that could be in the commercial: "There's a new terrorist plant... Ji Ji Ji Jihad!" and "Jihad pet, the Arab that grows!"

Tags: America, Middle East, Muslims, capitalism, iPod, Baghdad, iJihad, Apple, Chia Pet, Jihad Pet, Osama Bin Laden, Al-Jazeera, jihad, Osama, jihadist, commercial, terrorist

Gay Poker?

I love Texas Hold'em.
Coincidentally, Texas Hold'em was the original name for Brokeback Mountain, except it really should have been called Texas Hold-him.

Tags: Texas Hold'em, Texas, Hold'em, Brokeback Mountain, gay, Hold-him

Chuck Norris Video

Just about everyone that surfs the internet has read at least some of the Chuck Norris jokes that have been circulating for some time now. It seems like I first saw them pop up quite some time ago, but even now, they're still around, and they're still as popular as ever. Chuck Norris was recently on the Best Damn Sports Show, and given the popularity of these jokes, the folks behind the show just couldn't resist taking advantage of the situation. Putting Norris in a bit of a corner, they asked him if he would read their top ten favorite Chuck Norris jokes on the air, and Chuck was a good sport and obliged. Although Norris didn't seem to enjoy the segment all that much, the rest of the guys on the show sure got a kick out of it, and I know that I and pretty much everyone else that has seen the video has had a ton of laughs because of it. I give you Chuck Norris Facts (as read by Chuck Norris himself). Don't just sit there. Go and watch it. If you don't, Chuck Norris will come over to your house and give you a swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Tags: Chuck Norris, Best Damn Sports Show, favorite, jokes, video, Chuck Norris Facts

Food in your Teeth

Everyone gets food stuck in their teeth at some point or another, some more frequently than others. I had this happen to me earlier tonight while eating some Chinese broccoli. My friend found this very humorous and wanted me to get it out, so I had to explain that I tried to get it out but was unsuccessful. I couldn't just leave it at that, though. Instead, I said that "I gave cunnilingus to my teeth." Think about that the next time you need a toothpick.

Tags: food, teeth, stuck, Chinese, broccoli, toothpick